Katie's Blog: I'm Just Sayin . . .

Disclaimer: This isn't a normal blog of mine, but I feel the need to write it. So if you don't want to tarnish your image of me being the most awesome person in the world, you may not want to read it. :)

For the past hour or so, I've been writing this extremely long blog, with all my thoughts and feelings about how I've been feeling lately. However, after I finished writing it, and re-reading it, I realized that I didn't want to post it. It was so depressing. Yes, it was completely honest about how I've been feeling lately, but it's not something I feel would be right to share with the whole world. I'm thinking I might print it off and put it in my journal, but I don't know. If you really want to read it, and maybe have a better understand of why I look like I might start crying when you ask how I am, then, you can read it. Just let me know. But, for the rest of you, I'll just say, I've been having a really hard time lately. There hasn't been anything terrible that has happened, but just a lot of internal struggles. And it's been hard. Last night, after thinking about some of the things that were taught at Church, and after talking with a good friend, I really did some soul searching. And I realized what I've been doing wrong. Why I haven't been happy. And I'm going to change that.

Over the past year, I've found myself becoming extremely sarcastic and cynical about life. I'll let you guess why that might be. But it's not something I'm proud of. My patriarchal blessing says that my reputation for generosity and kindness will be known by many. And I know that's not been the reputation I've had lately. And it kills me. I hate that people think of me as someone that you "can't take serious" and that doesn't appear to know how to have a normal conversation. That's not how I used to be. Honestly, this reason alone is what has been a huge contributing factor to why I've been so sad. Because I really love people, and care about all of my friends and family deeply. Everyone I meet, I just want to make them happy, and be a good friend to them. But I know my actions aren't entirely consistent with my thoughts. And I hate it. Because I feel like no matter what I do to change it, I come up short and that cynicism just creeps back into how I act. To anyone that I've offended because of anything I've said, I'm sorry. Chances are, I think you're awesome.

So. With that. Last night I was sitting in my car for a bit after I dropped a friend off at their apartment. It hit me how I just need to completely focus on making sure I study my scriptures every day. Prayer with a true intent, and not just one of those "Thank you for the day, thank you for the food" type of things. I need to make sure the things I do is consistent with what I know I should be doing. One thing I have been good about is going to the Temple every week. I honestly cannot explain how strong the Spirit is as soon as I step on Temple grounds. It's overwhelming. If I could, I would spend all day there. But, since I can't, I just want to be happy, and I know that if I lose myself in the Lord, then I will find myself. I know I am the ultimate decider of if I'm happy or not, and how I treat other people. And I know, without a doubt, that if I completely dedicate myself to the Lord, I will be happy. So from now on, I am going to have a happy outlook on everything. I want to be a happy person, so I will be. I'm not going to let Satan's influences bring me down. I've been noticing a lot lately my weaknesses and faults, and places that I know I need to improve. I've been letting that get me down, far too much. I've been dwelling a lot on my relationship with Jeremy. I am totally over him, and I know that there is no way I would have ever been happy with him, but I've been feeling exceedingly dumb about being in that relationship at all. Last night I was talking with a friend about him, and every time I said something about him, I can't believe I didn't run the other direction at the time. However, the other day I was looking through some quotes I have saved away, and I came across this one by Bruce C Hafen

"So if you have problems in your life, don't assume there is something wrong with you. Struggling with those problems is at the very core of life's purpose. As we draw close to God, He will show us our weaknesses and through them make us wiser, stronger. If you're seeing more of your weaknesses, that just might mean you're moving nearer to God, not father away."

Honestly, this has brought me a lot of comfort. It made me realize that, while I may be feeling pretty inadequate, and that I've been noticing all my faults lately, that it may just be Heavenly Father telling me that He knows the person I can be, and that I need to be that person. At the beginning of the year, when I was set apart for my calling, my Bishop blessed me that "by serving others this year, you will become the woman God means for you to be." I forgot about that until just today. And as I write that, I can't help but feel overwhelmed with emotion, and know that God is trying to help me become the person I was meant to be. Sometimes when I read my patriarchal blessing, I feel overwhelmed. There are so many amazing promises and blessings in it that sometimes I feel like there was a mix up and I was given the wrong blessing. Haha. I've felt like I'm failing God and myself because I don't have all the talents and abilities it describes. But a few weeks ago, my New Testament teacher told us that this blessing extends from the pre-existence into the eternities. And that while we may not outwardly have these qualities yet, they are inherently within us, and that we are entitled to all of them if we are worthy and put in the effort. As of this moment right now, I know that I want more than anyting in the world to be worthy of those blessings. And I am willing to do what it takes to get them.

I realize this was probably a really dumb blog and that no one cares, but I feel like it was necessary to write it. Writing is theurpetic for me. That's why I do it so much. I feel like I can better express myself through writing. I'm not very articulate and can't seem to express myself quite as well as I can through writing. But just so everyone knows, I'm not perfect (even though I pretend to be sometimes). And any of my friends that read this, if I start acting sad, just slap me (or perhaps hug me. That might be a bit more effective). It'll remind me to be happy. Because I want to be happy, and I want others to be happy around me. So, from now on, I'm just gonna have a cheery disposition and an awesome outlook on life. Just you watch. I'm gonna make you feel like happiness just threw up around you.

And just a side note. Thank you to my amazing friends. Maybe one of these days I'll personally tell some of you just how much of an impact you've had on me. I feel like God has truly put some amazing people in my life lately, and that I've had great friendships strengthened and formed. And I hope you know who you are. But even if they don't, I hope that one day they'll realize how much of an impact they've had on my life. There have been some times where I felt like I might break down in tears, only to find myself completely smiling and happy after talking to one of these sweet people. :)

So with all that, here's my favorite quote as of late. It gives me a lot of hope . . . And I hope it will be for you too :)

“There are cycles of good and bad times, ups and downs, periods of joy and sadness, and times of plenty as well as scarcity. When our lives turn in an unanticipated and undesirable direction, sometimes we experience stress and anxiety. One of the challenges of this mortal experience is to not allow the stresses and strains of life to get the better of us—to endure the varied seasons of life while remaining positive, even optimistic. Perhaps when difficulties and challenges strike, we should have these hopeful words of Robert Browning etched in our minds: 'The best is yet to be" -- L. Tom Perry



And a side note...I totally rocked the icy, snow streets of Provo today. Scariest thing ever, but I did it. Though I apologize to anyone that was behind me. It was completley necessary for me to go 10 MPH.

Oh, and you know how I've been hinting that someone should scrape my windows for me? It totally happened. Ammon Gruwell = Awesome. Of course, it was when I was driving him home, and it was the chivalrous thing to do, but hey, I'll take that. :)

And just because Temples are beautiful, here's a picture I took of the Provo Temple on my most recent trip there this last Saturday :)




And...Look who made it on the Snuggie photo of the week on Kristina's Blog (which, if you haven't read, I highly recommend it)